Today I had an appt with a Dr. that has his office inside the hospital where we spent the first month of our summer. Even as I was driving that familiar route that I drove every morning for a month, my stomach was churning. I tried to laugh at myself because it was just so ridiculous; Gary was safely at home, working away at the computer, but I still felt a little ill. When I arrived at the hospital, just as it had been every morning, the parking lot was jammed with cars. I was amused by the people driving around toward the front, looking for a space. I knew to go straight to the back of the lot...you have to be there by 7:oo am at the latest to get a space up front and then later in the afternoon the spaces will again open up.
By the time I walked across the parking lot, taking a couple of deep breaths to calm myself, I was feeling better, and then I walked in the doors. The smell was what got to me first. I'm not saying that this hospital has a bad smell. It just has a familiar smell that will forever be linked in my brain with fear, anxiety, waiting and watching Gary suffer. Those that know me well will not be the least bit surprised to hear that I teared up immediately.
After my Dr. appt, I walked to the lab for some blood work and my feet knew the direction to go without my even thinking about it, even the little shortcut that takes you closer to the patient rooms, but to the other side of the hospital faster. I will NEVER go that way again! It made me remember the night that Gary was so drugged and hadn't eaten or woken up for nearly two days. Alyssa and I, trying always to keep each other encouraged and brave, actually had a race to see which way got you from point A to point B most quickly. Inside, we were so sick with worry because no one could really tell us for sure what was wrong with him; yet we hid it from one another as much as possible.
Two nights ago, we were watching a random TV show in which one of the characters was in a car accident and in a coma. Alyssa asked me if seeing the monitors upset me, because she got the chills and was nauseous when she saw them. I definitely had the same experience when watching something earlier in the week. Seeing those monitors, learning what the numbers mean so you can watch them and make sure that they are fine, that's something I wish I would never have to experience again. Then, in this random show, one character grasps the patient's hand and there is the finger monitor that all patients wear and she asks him to "squeeze if you can hear me". It is such an overused plot and overused line and even as I write it, I'm transported back to sitting in my grandma's living room and watching soap operas, but maybe because of that, it is what we say. Even the nurses said that. "Mr. Hook, squeeze my hand if you can hear me. Can you hear me, Mr. Hook?"
This afternoon we hired a company to come and do some yardwork for us. I was admiring the results and commenting how great it looked to have the enormous, practically dead, rosebush chopped down. Gary said, "Oh, they didn't do that. I did it last week." I can honestly say that I freaked out, both with him and on the inside too. He told me that he did it while I was gone, so I wouldn't make him stop. That's so much worse because if something had happened to him, no one would have been here to help him. It means I have to ease up and let him do whatever he wants to do, so he won't sneak around. It's kind of like when you have to let your toddler, then child, then teen have more privileges and freedom because you want them to begin to do more while you're there to provide a safety net; not when they are all alone and you can't help them.
Courage is a wonderful thing. Having peace and resting in God's promises is even better. But I have to admit that sometimes things are even harder now than they were during the middle of the crisis, because they're unexpected and they bring out emotions that no longer need to be kept in check to deal with the crisis at hand. Seeing all the progress that Gary has made is amazing and wonderful, but this side of it isn't always easier.
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